I used to be a highly anxious person. We're talking worrying that people driving by might pull over as I walk down the street and start randomly, shouting in my face. Or that in a work meeting I would suddenly be told to stand up and 'explain myself'. And I had a brutal inner critic. Anything that ever went wrong was my fault and would have been avoidable if I'd done or been better. When my old dishwasher broke, I chastised myself for buying a dodgy model (it wasn't), or not getting it serviced (does anyone do this?!). And I feared the worst happening all the time. 

This made me a great planner. But also risk-averse. It got so bad that I left my former career for fear of accidental but serious malpractice, yet I was entirely competent. It was exhausting. But, as I had lots of great friends and hobbies, and was fairly successful academically and professionally, I thought it was probably a normal life. I didn't know any different.

Then my partner died. Through bereavement counselling, I learned to explore my grief, thoughts, feelings and life. My grief eased, and my acute anxiety slowly segued into an almost uncontrollable anger towards my dad. I was confused. A friend recommended Attachment-Informed EMDR. I had 18 months of weekly sessions with Dr Katie Heath-Tilford. It changed my life. I didn't uncover any suppressed events (and hadn't expected to), but it enabled me to explore, understand and move on from a childhood of what I have been told involved developmental trauma and emotional neglect. Pessimism, criticism, negativity and an absence of expressed emotions (other than my dad's anger). 

Through EMDR, I revisited many everyday situations from my childhood, witnessing them through the perspectives of my child and then my present selves. I came to understand that my inner critic wasn't my voice, it was mum and dad's. That the hypervigilance and people-pleasing made sense and served me back then, but not now. That I carried shame, but didn't deserve to.

The anxiety, internal chatter, and self-blaming eased to the extent that my new, calm self freaked me out a bit at first! I have more head space and clarity of thought. I am present. I trust my gut when making decisions, and don't worry excessively before and after. I accept my mistakes. I am a better parent and friend. I have boundaries. I am less judgmental of others. I forge deeper connections. I notice and allow my emotions. I feel compassion towards my parents, as I know they have their own life stories, too. I have a healthier attitude to risk. 

I am about to make a massive, positive life change that I'd never have considered seriously before the EMDR. I'm excited about it, with a normal level of trepidation. Most importantly, I understand, respect and love myself. I still have the occasional session when things arise, but the heavy lifting is over. EMDR is the best thing I've ever done.

W.E.